Day 1: Focus Matters

I think part of my problem in finding my own voice is actually a side effect of what I've been focusing on in my life. During my Spanish 101 class, I was so terrified of having to do a presentation in front of the class as part of the course requirements, I spent two months panicking and throwing any semblance of optimism out the window. Literally, all I did was worry about this for the majority the 12 week semester. And eat. And worry and eat and worry and eat some more. All because over 30 years ago, I had a particularly horrific experience with doing a presentation in front of my class and a teacher who let the students laugh at me not only once, but twice when she played back the presentation again. I'm not saying that's the only reason why I lost my voice, although I know that I become much more withdrawn and cautious with people in life after that. But combine that with expecting the worst in life, and that does become a recipe for disaster.

For me, what I speak comes from what I think and what i focus on. As it turned out, I survived the presentation and all things considered, did very well in it given the fact that I hadn't had much chance to practice speaking spanish or answering questions prior to that point. What tipped the scale for me was when I was speaking to one of my classmates before class and encouraging her to do her presentation, assuring her that she was going to do a great job and that she knew a lot more than she thought she was. And yes, the bells did ring and the lights did go on in my head when I realized that I was encouraging someone else to overcome their fears and believe in themselves when I was worried about all the things that could go wrong with my own presentation.

Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to push through my fear of public speaking and not running away from the presentation. I am truly grateful for the reminder that at times I can be my own worst enemy...but I can choose to be my biggest supporter as well.

Whose Voice Do I have

Poor neglected blog.

In a way, I started this because I had hopes that I would write brilliant, witty and clever words to describe my life and the world around me. And if I have to be honest, some little part of me was hoping that there might be others who also would clap their hands and say "wow, isn't that brilliant, witty and clever!"

Which, of course, is really nothing more than setting oneself up to fail, whether in some ways or spectacularly. Not that there is anything wrong with writing for an audience by any means, but because even at my age, I've found that there's still a ongoing struggle to find my own voice. One of the instructors in our writing lab at the college I attend once worked with me on the first paper I wrote after a good 15 years of being delegated to writing little more than memos in my office. Her words stuck with me because while she said the paper was written well,  she was having a hard time finding me anywhere in the paper. And that is why I struggle to write those brilliant, witty and clever words that people admire. Eloquence and structure are easier to master than infusing work with vulnerability and all the messiness of life that my fragile ego has picked up and carries around with it whether it needs it or not.

I think it is time to find the voice. Imperfect or not,there has to be one area in our lives where we are free to be who we are meant to be and not who we've settled for being over the years.